Caring For Your Suffering Friend (Part 2)
In our series on caring for suffering friends, we have been studying the characters in the book of Job. In fact, the majority of the book of Job contains three rounds of debate between Job and three of his friends, where he experienced the disastrous results of a prideful approach to suffering disguised as “comfort”.
This portion of Job, from chapters 3-31, is easy to skim over. It was written with poetic language, something that we aren’t used to today, so it can be hard to follow the arguments. However, this is actually a significant part of the book of Job. It is in the back-and-fourth dialogue that we observe Job’s growing confusion over his trials, and we watch his friends grow harsh, critical, and judgmental as they respond to what they believe to be Job’s wickedness.
Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar
Job’s three friends, Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar, sat with Job for seven days and nights without speaking (Job 2:11-13). They came to comfort Job, but ended up condemning him as a sinner. Just read some of their words below:
“But the eye of the wicked will fail, and there will be no escape for them; And their hope is to breathe their last.” Job 11:20 (Zophar)
“…You do away with reverence and hinder meditation before God. For your guilt teaches your mouth, And you choose the language of the crafty. Your own mouth condemns you, and not I; and your own lips testify against you.” Job 15:4-6 (Eliphaz)
“Is not your wickedness great, And your inquiries without end?” Job 22:5 (Eliphaz)
You can find additional dark and condemning language in other speeches, such as Zophar’s words in Job 11:1-6 and 20:12-29, and Bildad’s words in Job 18:5-21. In these chapters, along with the other speeches they present to Job, these friends describe the fate of the wicked and warn Job to repent. Why these harsh words? Why do they command Job, a righteous man (Job 1:1), to repent?
Retribution Theology: A Misrepresentation of God’s Character
Job’s three friends misrepresented God in their words to Job. They believed in retribution theology, which teaches that God instantly and always punishes the wicked and instantly and always blesses the righteous. This theology has no room for grace; it’s a misrepresentation of God’s gracious and lovingkindness. It’s not a full picture of God’s attributes or accurate understanding of God’s character. They believed that because Job was suffering terribly, then he must be a terrible sinner. This was false. We know from the beginning of Job (Job 1-2) that Job was not suffering because of an unconfessed sin.
As if this situation could get any sadder, these friends gave up on Job when he did not align with their presupposed theology. They grew angry when Job would not admit that he was wicked. Their accusations to Job came from pride, not from a genuine care and concern of Job. These men were so focused on being right that they neglected to listen to and understand Job’s defense. This led them to be harsh, critical, and judgmental.
Pride
Pride blinds a person, with disastrous results. Proverbs 11:2 says, “When pride comes, then comes dishonor; But with the humble there is wisdom.” Just as pride leads to a fall, Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar were shown as foolish and arrogant at the end of Job.
I have been in conversations where another person’s presuppositions keep them from listening to the words that I was saying. These conversations usually do not end well; it is difficult to communicate effectively and impossible to find understanding. A little bit of listening would have gone a long way! Many times we can be so passionate about being right that we neglect to show compassion to someone who is suffering. When seeking to minister to others, we must be humble and share truth derived from Scripture—not our opinions!—in a loving way.
The trap of pride is easy to fall into, but is very serious. I have found myself becoming prideful when others face trials; I can easily become more focused on explaining their wrongdoing or mistakes than I am on reminding them of the truth in God’s Word. Self-righteousness leads to condemnation, and self-righteousness is always a result of an inaccurate view of God’s character.
A Kinder Approach
Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar discouraged Job with their condemnation. Listen to how Job responds to them:
“I am a joke to my friends… the just and blameless man is a joke.” Job 12:4 (Job in response to Zophar)
“I have heard many such things; sorry comforters are you all.” Job 16:2 (Job in response to Eliphaz)
“How long will you torment me And crush me with words? These ten times you have insulted me; You are not ashamed to wrong me.” Job 19:2-3 (Job in response to Bildad)
Just as Job’s wife had a missed opportunity to encourage her husband to cling to God, these three friends used their ministry opportunity to bring further discouragement. Perhaps a key verse can be found in Job 6:14, when Job replies to Eliphaz, “For the despairing man there should be kindness from his friend; So that he does not forsake the fear of the Almighty.” When we have opportunities to interact with those who are suffering, we need love and kindness in our approach—but we can’t forget the purpose: we want to direct them back to reverence of God.
Principle: Speak From Compassion, not pride
Job’s three “friends” cared more about their presupposed theology than about Job. This meant that they condemned Job falsely instead of showing compassion and kindness. Here are some practical ways that we can be humble to avoid falling into the same trap:
Listen first: Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar didn’t listen to what Job was saying to them; they got angry that he wasn’t agreeing with their predetermined opinion. Take the time to listen and seek to understand what a suffering person is sharing with you before you respond. This takes time and intentionality; what a great way to begin a conversation with compassion and kindness.
Don’t assume you know everything: You don’t know all the details of the situation, the person’s heart, or what God is doing. To assume that you do so is prideful. Listen with a humble heart and pray for wisdom.
Make it your goal to point to God: If you are seeking to list out a person’s sins or mistakes, or only thinking of condemnation, then your focus is not in the right place. Make it your goal to point them to God, through His character and His Word, and prayerfully address only the things that relate to this.
PRINCIPLE: Know that you won’t have all the answers
When we comfort others, it’s crucial to realize that we won’t have the answers to all their questions. This happens in Job. Not one of the characters knew the true reason for Job’s suffering; only God knew what had transpired between God and Satan in Job 1-2. Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zopher focused on what they thought were rightful answers, but they were wrong. Their pride caused additional pain for Job.
The best thing that a suffering person can do is not necessarily to get answers, but to align their thinking with the truth. While this can be difficult to comprehend, Christians are never intended to know all the answers to every question or have complete understanding of every situation; after all, only God is all-knowing. In trials, we don’t necessarily need resolution; we need to be reminded of God, His character, and His truth, from His Word. Here are a few practical ways to apply this principle:
Be comfortable admitting that you don’t have answers: Rather, explain that you only want to share what you know: truths from God’s Word about God.
Pray for wisdom: Wisdom is a theme of Job: God has infinite wisdom. In the New Testament, James 1:5 reminds the believer that we only need to ask God for wisdom when we lack it. Thus, we can approach our interactions with those who are suffering prepared to redirect them towards God. As we do this, we are trusting that He will give us wisdom on how to do that in every situation. God will give us the wisdom we need to love, care for, encourage, and even challenge (when necessary) the thinking of our hurting and suffering friends.
Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar’s prideful arrogance take up a good portion of the book of Job, but they are ultimately humbled for their misrepresentation of God. In Job 42, God was wrathful towards these three men. He told them to request that Job make sacrifices and pray for restoration on their behalf; Job 42:9 tell us that they “did as the Lord told them”. Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar eventually humbled themselves before God and were shown mercy—the very mercy that should not have existed in their false belief of retribution theology.
Job 6:14 says, “For the despairing man there should be kindness from his friend; So that he does not forsake the fear of the Almighty.” Job said this because he did not receive kindness from his three friends; for us, it is a powerful reminder to embrace compassion in our approach—while redirecting people back to a reverence of God. What an amazing opportunity.
Stay tuned for the final blog post in this three-part series!
